Some years ago, I invited a family friend of mine to our house for lunch. My friend, Nanno came with his wife and his 2 year-old daughter fondly called Paula. While we were busy having introductory discussions, Paul requested for the remote control of the Cathode Ray Tube (CTR) Television because his father lowered the volume of the TV so we can concentrate, which Paula objected. The little girl snapped the remote off his father’s hand and in anger, (more vehement for his age) and hauled it directly at the TV screen and got it shattered. That was how I lost my first ever colour television I bought with my first salary as a young graduate. I would never have believed that a little toddler could exhibit such a rage. It baffles me up till today. Myself, his dad and mom were stunned.
Recently there has been a hype about suicide, rape cases among young people in Nigeria which is adding up to the already bad security challenges we have at the moment. Every day we hear about young and old people jumping into the lagoon or drinking sniper or other pesticides to enter eternity before their appointed time. Secondly a lot of people are at this moment designing different methods of selling fears to the gullible, to make a lot of money. Selling fears to the public is now big business especially by pastors who control a large chunk of congregation. Fear is one of the greatest killers of all time and the greatest weapon of the devil. Only few know this. The word fear is even fearful to pronounce. The subject of this discussion is not about fear. It is about emotional Intelligence. But fear sets emotion to work.
Emotional Intelligence helps one to recognize one’s emotions, manage one’s emotions appropriately to avoid becoming prisoners of one’s emotions. Emotional hijacking can lead to fear, anger, depression which can happen to children and adult alike like this story of Paula. Emotions are essentials for rational decisions, create memories of successes or emotions of painful failures can help steer the decision we make every day. Having a high level of emotional intelligence in your children is the best way to ensure that they live a happy, successful, and responsible life as an adult. What are you feeling now? I mean this very moment you are reading this piece.
Our children watch what we do every day without uttering a word. They watch how we quarrel, the movement of our eyeballs, our lips and the words we speak when disagreeing about a topic, the way we walk when we are angry or annoyed, the tone of our voices and how we solve a particular problem or address persons on the phone. This is how they learn about life. They watch us! They see the world through our eyes. The responsibilities of parents are really awesome. For a successful and healthy family, there should not be anything like part-time parenting. It is a full time job. All the ills of our society today points to one direction – the failure of parenting. That primary responsibility which God puts in the shoulders of co-creators (parents) for propagation of the human race. The duty is failing with high velocity.
Some experts suggest some ways to help children attain a high degree of emotional intelligence:
1. Be Aware they are watching you: children learn by observation. If a parent does not know how to handle his/her emotions well, the children will not know either. One does not teach what one doesn’t have.
2. Be willing to say ‘’no’’ to your kids and mean it. Children ask for a lot of things, from a TV remote, to a crawling ant on the floor. Saying no will give your kids an opportunity to deal with disappointment and learn impulse control. Even adult need to relearn this. Part of our job as parents is to allow the children to be frustrated and to work through it. You are killing your child and future family of the world when you say ‘I don’t want my children to suffer”. If you have not suffered, you wouldn’t be where you are today. Allow them live their own life. Getting what one wants all the time does not make one happy.
3. Know your hotspots as parents: what are your touchlines? What makes you happy or makes you annoyed? There are parents who cannot take it when they are being controlled, but underneath these issues lies a fear about something. When you know your boundaries, you are better prepared and can guide your children.
4. Practice and hone your skills at being non-judgmental. This means to label feelings and avoid name calling. Saying ‘You look sad’’ is not the same as ‘’What a jerk?’’ it is not ideal to ask someone who is already angry to stop, instead of say ‘you seem sad’’
5. Allow your children to take responsibility including house chores. They can do a lot of things by themselves as they grow. If your 4-year-old can put on his shirt, why help him do that? Ordering your children around and telling them what to know often lead them to be mugus. Even when they are married they will be waiting for orders from their spouse instead of taking initiative. Children build up their confidence when they do things on their own.
6. Help them solve a problem. Don’t yell when they make mistakes be part of it.
